This week I am turning 37 and I was reflecting on what I’ve learned thus far in life and what that would mean to a 17 year old me. In our world heavily influenced by busy lives, media portrayls of perfection and the ‘good life’, I wondered, what would I do differently if I could go back.
I would stop criticising my body and all of my perceived imperfections. I would recognise that I was perfect the way I was (still am!) and my body is more than something to look at.
I would not let anyone stop me from exploring my dreams. I wouldn’t feel swayed to follow a particular path, I would choose my own experiences, make my own decisions.
I would be much more careful about relationships.
I would explore more of the world, have more adventures and be more in nature. After having kids, this becomes more difficult, not impossible, but certainly there is a regret for the things I could have done when it was easier.
I would take better care of my body with how I move and what I eat. I would pay more attention to the niggles, and do ALL of the exercises my physio gave me.
Becoming intentional is about learning from the past and making better, informed and deliberate decisions today, tomorrow and in the future.
Ross Greene has a powerful idea about how to reframe our thinking about kid’s behaviour. The objective of this book, and many like it, along with countless blogs, Facebook groups and experts in the fields of psychology, teaching, and social work, is to empower parents to step back and recognise their child is normal and healthy for acting out, for extreme behaviours that are challenging to deal with.
The reasons for extreme and challenging behaviour is usually because expectations are too high for that child at that time. Every child is different and normal development is a huge bell curve – what may be normal for one two year old, might not be possible for another child until they are three. As a society, as a result of standardised EVERYTHING, we have become obsessed with asking children to fit into tiny boxes of ‘norms’.
Enough! We have to stop this. We have to start changing OUR mindsets as adults and recognising kids do well, if they can.
This amazing graphic by @kweins62 illustrates this better than I could ever hope to explain in words.
Kids deserve to grow up knowing that we can see they are doing their best. Instead of punishing and criticising, how about we stop, listen, think and then act. How about we work collaboratively with children to help them meet reasonable expectations? How can we support parents to learn this information, to put it in practice in their busy lives? How can we give parents the tools to be calm and connected with their children?
What things can you do to connect with your children? To see them for who they are, not who you or society wants them to be?
One of the hardest things about being a parent to an autistic child is working out what you should be doing for them and then advocating for their needs.
A lot of parents are sent to ABA led therapy centres, but if you talk to autistic adults, they’ll tell you ABA is abuse.
My lesson has been realising that all the parenting advice is unhelpful for autistic children (and potentially for all) because it establishes a hierarchy and requires compliance.
What if we let kids be kids? What if we listened instead of demanded?
As a sensitive person, it’s heart breaking to see other families choosing to parent in an authoritarian manner and their kids struggling to make sense of it.
I’d love to see all parents taught about conscious parenting. To encourage their only personal growth journey and self awareness. To help children develop regulation and communication skills to recognise and manage their emotions. So we build empathy in children and ultimately society.
But how? I can write about it here, talk about it with other families but it feels like a drop in the ocean. I hope experts and writers find a way to have a broader reach for these topics.