3 ways to overcome perfectionism

I was chatting with a friend about how difficult I was finding this current season of parenting. We haven’t long moved house and its to be expected that chaos may still feel like the dominant aspect of home life.

I often feel overwhelmed and exhausted by clutter, disorganisation and mess. I know I’m not alone! The first instinct I have in those moments is to clean and tidy. But this reaction doesn’t help me long term, as I am not learning better skills.

Sit with discomfort – learning to slow down, stay with the feelings of discomfort and feeling unsettled is part of becoming more intentional and mindful. You can accept difficult things and let them pass over you more easily by noticing your reactions.

Don’t spring to better organising – while it’s true having systems helps, organising your stuff won’t fix the problem. Decluttering helps, but ultimately working on your emotions and contentment will lead to less impulse shopping and stop the flow of stuff.

Be open to sharing – tell friends how you are feeling or write in a journal or blog. Know you’re not alone in these thoughts and feelings. By sharing you encourage others to notice and accept their own feelings, and you have a chance to process things through talking or writing.

Know that taking small steps to accept yourself is such a crucial but hard thing to do. Remember to show yourself self compassion.

Why and how I became a minimalist

As a long-time sufferer of anxiety, I had always liked things being in their place. I knew instinctively that clutter was affecting my mood and my relationships. I hated the amount of time it took to tidy up, all the time.

I became overwhelmed by managing a home and working full time. Then when I fell pregnant, I realised it wasn’t sustainable nor practical to have a house full of stuff. I started selling and donating everything I didn’t use. I read The Minimalists website voraciously. I discovered I loved white space, clear counters and knowing what I had, were things I used.

Enter children. It’s not as easy to be a minimalist and to stick to your beliefs and practices with small children. It’s not impossible, but it’s more difficult.

Toys, baby gear, washing, nappies and food – it all has the capacity to take over. It’s key to implement routines to reduce the stress that builds from piles of washing or toys all over your home.

There is absolutely no doubt that less stuff equals less tidying up. But with kids, it is unlikely to be no stuff equals zero tidying up – there is going to be a reckoning. I have had to raise my clutter acceptance level and learn to cope with piles of washing and toys, otherwise, I would be even more exhausted (is that possible?) from caring for my children AND constantly tidying. As I write this now at my desk, there is no clear desk space around my laptop. I have piles of paperwork to file, crayons, glue and a few magazines. But I know it’s only temporary.

Cutting yourself some slack on your journey through life is a true skill that comes with time. Some people are instinctively more kind to themselves, and others need to learn self-compassion. I’m unfortunately in the latter group! But, it’s a constant practice just like minimalism.

Once I got past the ‘stuff’ phase, I was able to incorporate minimalist thinking into all areas of my life.

I gave myself permission to give up the corporate life which I never enjoyed.

I gave myself permission to dress in comfortable clothes I liked, and eschew ‘fashion’.

I gave myself permission to stop colouring my hair and trim it myself.

I gave myself permission to read instead of cleaning.

If you think these things are silly – you’re lucky. Perhaps you were raised in a household that valued rest, or you’ve just always felt certain your needs were valid. Not everyone has that experience – and minimalism can be a way to build these coping skills.

Now five years since I discovered minimalism, I’m proud to say it still excites me to think and write about. I enjoy the ongoing process of examining my life and finding ways to improve it. I’m enjoying the benefits of spending less, having greater financial security is so helpful with small kids. Having this security has led me to be able to not work and thus pursue hobbies while raising my children.

Minimalism looks different for everyone but I believe each of us can benefit from adopting the mindset and finding ways to improve and simplify your own life.

How to stop buying stuff

I’m reading a book at the moment called “The Rent Collector” by Camron Wright. The main character lives in a rubbish dump and her family have for generations. The well-written illustration of the waste society generates is a powerful visual image we could all learn from.

Photo by Hermes Rivera on Unsplash

The purpose of this blog has always been about living with less. Living intentionally. Minimalism. Just less. But the problem facing us is overcoming impulsive buys that clog our homes and drain our wallets.

So how can we stop buying so much stuff?

  • Don’t go shopping – sounds simple but it’s true. Don’t meet up with friends for a coffee near the shops, if you need something, see if you can borrow it or buy it second hand, take your kids to the park or museum instead of the shops.
  • Try journalling – try evaluating your impulsive habits by writing about them
  • Learn a new hobby – take up a new hobby so you don’t go shopping!
  • Make some household rules around online shopping – oh yes, it’s convenient, but make some rules. Both parents have to agree, only for certain items that you need, have to check 3 shops to see if you can get it secondhand, ask your friends if you can borrow it first? Whatever helps you to stop the ‘save to cart’ and buy cycle. Give it a go!
Photo by Hutomo Abrianto on Unsplash

Make a goal for 2020 by either doing a ‘no spend’ month or year, try making a list of the items you know your family will need and sticking to it. Try using my system below to curb your spending.

Our 2020 shopping list

ItemMonthBudget
clothes for our eldest (op shop / secondhand bulk eBay)May25
bike parts and maintenance for husband’s hobby monthly50
running shoes for measap!200
gifts for boys birthdaysApril & July100
Christmas giftsDecember250
gifts for family and friendsas needed250
Lego as needed300

Maybe your priorities are different but when you are intentional about your spending, whether you write it down or not, you have much greater control.

Peace.

Are you living an intentional life?

One of the hardest things as a parent is knowing that you set the first example of how to live to your children. I’m not sure how other parents think, or what they think about, but I am often reflecting on the ways our lives set us up to be parents. Whether you were part of a close knit family, grew up in an urban environment, attended a mainstream school; all of these factors influence how you parent.

Photo by stephanie krist on Unsplash

For me, one of the most important values I am passionate about passing onto my kids is compassion. I have had a lot of challenges in my life and it is difficult to write about or share openly as it can be confronting. I’ve found that we as humans are deeply affected by poor relationships and/or difficult relationships in their lives. It’s challenging as a teenager or young adult to understand what is happening around us, and how these relationships might influence our lives and our own choices.

But knowing who we are and understanding how our environment, family, schooling and relationships affect us is critical to happiness and to make the smart choices. Sometimes our lives may lead us in the wrong direction because we are not aware of how much we are guided by others. In many ways, other people such as family, friends or colleagues may be trying to exert influence in a positive way, genuinely believing their attitudes and values are the right ones. However, sometimes when we have not had the opportunity to gaze inwardly and reflect on who we are, we may be influenced by others, and find ourselves living a life that we had not planned.

A few years ago, this is where I found myself. Consumed by work and career, and believing a corporate career was the only answer. I believed money and investing in property to become wealthy were imperative. I believed I SHOULD do certain things in life because not only was I expected to but that it would mean I would be accepted and valued.

Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash

However, minimalism found me in my pit of anxiety, in a place where I was consumed by stress and debt and felt that there must be another choice. What I realised was we have a much wider range of choices than we are led to believe. When you are brought up in a family of entrepreneurs and workaholics, you believe that this is the only path. To move away from that lifestyle and be content with less, to embrace being unbusy, and to prioritise your own needs, and to put in place boundaries for the first time; it can be overwhelming as well as liberating.

This is what minimalism has done for me. It has opened my eyes to the choices that are available to me. It is liberating and freeing to imagine what I desire for my life, rather than seeing my life as a mapped out plan on a highway in one direction. I don’t judge others for their choices; some people thrive in competitive careers and love to have expensive clothing and luxury items. My only question is about intentionality. Are you living intentionally? What can you ask yourself about your choices in order to make sure you are on YOUR path?