At 15 weeks pregnant, I’m counting the weeks that seem to be passing so quickly this time. I follow many amazing mamas and families on Instagram and while I am so pleased at their healthy babies, I am triggered every single time by the unbelievable reality that we faced with Ripley. As time passed, I become more and more aware of just how unreal it was at the time, how difficult and unfair, how unlikely, the cruelty of it leaving a mark on my heart forever. So many people meaning to be helpful say to focus on the present, to be grateful he’s alive, to let it go. If only it were so easy. If only I could let the painful memories become a distant past.
Cute babies in cute clothes.
Mamas going home with their babies.
Mamas having peaceful outings with their babies.
Families together, with small stressors feeling so huge to them.
Knowing as I grow one child I’m still unsure of how my first child will develop.
There are so many triggers in the world, particularly social media, but even just the supermarket presents challenging situations.
I have literally no advice for anyone in a similar situation. I am not an expert. I just tell myself that I am here, we are living through it, in it and surviving one day at a time. I don’t want to escape but I do want to live, rather than survive or exist.
Triggers are scary and painful. Triggers are real. If you’re reading this and nodding your head, I am here with you.