On being vulnerable

darius-anton-132408It’s nearly two years since Ripley was born and I still can’t shake all of my emotions, disappointment and trauma. I know that’s OK, but I’m tired of being triggered all the time.

People around me don’t even realise how I’m feeling inside and it’s very difficult to admit to or open up about my feelings.

Someone can talk about a premature baby, a situation that while it isn’t common, it’s not uncommon either. Everyone knows someone who has had a premature baby. Not everyone knows a baby that was in ICU or on life support. Not everyone knows a baby with an extensive list of chronic illnesses.

I can’t shake my trauma and no one but me is expecting me to. Why can’t I be more accepting of myself?

How do I tell people around me that it is so stressful to hear about a baby that is unwell. It’s not about me anymore, my baby is OK.

How do I tell people around me that I want to talk about how I feel more, without them being bored and over it. I know it’s been nearly two years, but I think I’m going to feel the way I do now, forever. I don’t think I will forget it, not as easily as you.

In our fast paced society, we move on quickly. People die, people are hurt, bad things happen; but we move on. Is it a coping mechanism, or is it because we just can’t absorb it all? That is a question I don’t have the answer to. All I know is that I feel like I’m being moved on too quickly, that I need to shut up and learn to live with it. But I can’t.

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